In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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