peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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