you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
