I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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