I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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