don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
