Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
