just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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