Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
