yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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