My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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