How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
