Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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