you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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