Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
