He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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