I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
