There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
