You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
