remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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