I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
