well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
