I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
