I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
