Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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