im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Come see our sink grown plant.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
