Hey man sorry I got all grabby
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
