Can Purell be used as lube?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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