right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
