Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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