Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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