It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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