I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
