Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We got so high we made milksteak
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
