Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
MIDGETS
????
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
