ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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