PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
