What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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