I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
