I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh god it's open bar.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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