I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
