they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
