Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
