I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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