its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
