I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
