normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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