I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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