P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
