If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
my liver is dry heaving
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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