oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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